Dear small business owner – How’s your marriage doing?

An intrusive question?

Maybe, but one that’s worth thinking about because whilst you’re concentrating on running your business, keeping your customers happy, thinking about delivery of your product or service and staying on top of the finances, it’s things like this that can easily go wrong. Just when we’re not looking. And one that I have helped business owners with more than once.

We’re resilient enough to find balance alongside the business, aren’t we?

They say, at the beginning of all marriages and any/all longstanding partnerships, to remember that we need to be aware that relationships need working on consistently and not to become complacent. And of course, we all say, hey we’ll be fine, and we believe that love will conquer all! Or words to that effect.

But very few people think of the things that will get in the way of a happy relationship, no matter how solid it seems at the time. We may be aware of the obvious obstacles to look out for. Disagreements on finances, issues with children such as discipline, education or house rules. Other friends and/or relatives sometimes come into the mix with their opinions, or sometimes just presence, to confuse things.

Running your own business changes things

Who stops to think about the bombshell that running a business can drop onto a relationship? Especially if it is something that enters the marriage when things have been reasonably settled for several years. Suddenly there’s three of you in this marriage! Think of the situation when both partners have been in employed roles until one day one of you, or perhaps both, decide to start their own business.
Well, these are new waters to navigate. Whole new challenges to overcome. Vast new depths of communication may be required by both of you to achieve the smooth running of things. Roles may shift, household tasks may need to change, routine may go out the window and expectations of yourself and of each other can be severely misaligned.

So, as a small business owner, what’s the answer?
Here are 5 things that you can do.

In reading this though, please be aware that I know this is going to seem like a list of yet more things to put on your to-do list. And no business owner needs a further lengthened to-do list. However, these actions are your safety net, the ones that will keep you upright and supported, and eventually save your health, your career and your relationship.

1 Be aware of the possibility of trouble ahead before trouble gets the chance to have an impact

You pride yourself on foresight in your business, make this a priority in your relationship too. Whatever you do, don’t fall into the trap of assuming that everything will be simply fine without you doing anything different. If you are the business owner, don’t assume that your partner is happy with how things are going without checking in on them. And then checking in on them again just to make sure that they weren’t telling you they were happy the first time, just to keep you happy!

2 Don’t think that you are invincible

By nature, business owners are a resilient breed. It’s a pretty essential requirement. But you are not invincible. Any business owner who has suffered from burnout will tell you that, and being exhausted is not a good recipe for a successful relationship. It leads to frayed tempers and distance being created.

Unfortunately, most of those who experience this, are dedicated, conscientious people who take on more and more, are certain that they are fine and who won’t or indeed can’t say no. They find it exceedingly difficult to accept help, want to do everything exceptionally well and be there for everyone. It’s done with positive intentions.

That attitude is admirable, but it’s vitally important to make sure that you look after yourself and your health, and you stop before you get stopped, by circumstances beyond your control. If you want some sort of fitness regime to be part of your life (advisable), and it’s not currently happening, put in a realistic schedule for yourself. Even if it’s a short walk just once a week. Build new habits slowly by making positive changes easy, regular, and enjoyable.

3 Don’t say you’ll do things because you think that is what your partner or your children want to hear and then let them down at the last minute.

If you know that it’s not likely that you’ll be able to do what’s asked, then say so, ideally with an offer of an alternative. Honesty goes a long way to maintaining trust.

4 Make time for the two of you to be together and stick to it

This doesn’t have to be a big deal which takes up time that you may resent.

If you generally prefer to catch up on emails in the evenings so that it’s not yet another job for the morning, a positive change could be as simple as sitting down and having a cup of coffee together or a glass of wine for 15 minutes in the evening and just concentrating on each other. Catching up is an extremely important part of keeping communication open and positive. It could, for example, be an agreement that for 3 days a week, you will spend just 10 minutes together having breakfast. But make a plan, stick to it, and be committed to the reward that this will bring in the long term. It’s an investment.

5. Take time to talk and be brave enough to admit vulnerability

There is a worryingly high percentage of small business owners who pretend that everything is ok when it’s really not. Treat your partner as though you are a team in this self-employed game. Everyone has a role to play. And you have a role to play in theirs. The business is another part of your life to nurture. It is not the only one, and marriages fail because work feels more important than the reason you are working in the first place.

The biggest challenge for this one is not only to talk but to listen. Hear what they are saying to you, don’t dismiss their wishes as something that can wait. You need to be heard and so do they. Encourage them to be honest too and listen to each other (fully!) when sharing your perspectives. Remember, both your opinions are valid, even if they differ. Only when you both hear the truth of where you’re at and truly acknowledge it, can the team, your partnership, work to its best.

Wishing you good luck with this really important balancing act, and if you’d like support to navigate your way through, drop me an email at linda@brighterchanges.co.uk